Recently I came across a cartoon by John Atkinson over at Wrong Hands and thought I would try my hand at a few more. Please feel free to add your suggestions in the comments section.
Trigger warning: This is intended as satire. Not to be taken seriously.
SUGGESTIONS FOR NEW CHESS PIECES
(Each new piece is named and then described. I have no idea how they will all work together!)
The Teenager: Complains if you move it to any square because you’re always telling it what to do. Often ignores you and does nothing because it is either sleeping or sulking.
The Cheerleader: Over-enthusiastically skirts around the edge of the board pretending to be involved and cheering the other pieces on. Can somersault and land back on its base.
The Cat: Sleeps on the most inconvenient square. All other pieces are allowed to step over it – so long as they show appropriate amounts of reverence. Will scamper away in a huff when the dog is nearby. If dropped will always land on its base.
The Backstabber: Can change sides whenever it wants to. Pretends to be on your side until you’re not looking.
The Big Talker: Announces a spectacular move four turns ahead – but then makes an entirely different and bland one.
The Vaper: No-one really knows what this one looks like as it is usually surrounded by a cloud of condensation. Often found somewhere on the board where there are no other pieces with another vaper. Smells like fruity desserts.
The Nice Guy: Intentionally gets taken early and spends the rest of the game consoling the other lost pieces. Often filmed by the influencer.
The Introvert: Sits on any unoccupied corner square reading – often with the cat or the dog.
The Environmentalist: Not included with plastic sets. Will only play on recycled boards. Sometimes up-cycles other pieces and puts them back on the board. Keeps track of the carbon emissions during the course of the game.
The Net Activist: Remains in the box but sends thoughts and prayers.
The Taxi Driver: Goes wherever it wants to – can stop and block other pieces from moving for several turns.
The Slacker: Sits comfortably on the side of the board watching the game and saying things like “harsh dude!” or “buzzkill!”, or just “shwoar!”. Often dozes off. Smells like weed.
The Uber Driver: Can be called onto the board to transport another piece to anywhere else – for a price.
The Cross-Fitter: You don’t need to be told which piece this one is – it will tell you.
The Super-Car: Goes really fast – but only where is has 8 squares open in front of it. Often runs out of gas half way though.
The Tesla: Makes its own moves. Loved by the environmentalist. Contrary to popular opinion, the Tesla does not randomly blow up, but it does look extremely smug as it moves noiselessly around the board. May experience random, mysterious rattles.
The Anarchist: Does not need your hegemonic rules.
The Influencer: Considers itself to be a very valuable piece but doesn’t actually do anything. Live-streams from the side of the board and interrupts with sponsorship messages.
The Conservative: Its only move is to interfere with and limit the moves made by the other pieces. And then to stand back and act innocent when things go to hell.
The Liberal: Shaped like a snow-flake. Can only move on the left-hand side of the board. Campaigns against FIDE to allow the pieces more freedom in making their own moves.
The Clickbaiter: Wonders around trying to sell advertising space on the board saying things like ’13 Things About This Game You Won’t Believe’ and ‘Don’t Make That Move Until You Read This!’.
The Subscription Piece: Essential to make this whole mess work. But only available to Premium subscribers.
The Soccer Player: Falls down randomly if another piece gets within a millimeter of it. Must be carried off carefully – only to be placed back on the board moments later. This piece costs a ridiculous amount of money and nobody really knows why.
The Referee: Makes very strange moves and misses most of what is going on. Often stops play unnecessarily.
The Tech Support Piece: Tells you to reset the board and try again.
The Artist: Makes extremely strange and disturbing moves involving jelly and steel bolts and calls it a neo- pseudo- post-modern ‘performance piece’.
The Dog: Walks alongside other pieces and does zoomies around the board sometimes. Piddles on the artist and other annoying pieces. If the cat is nearby, chaos ensues and the game must be restarted.
The Fashion Model: Walks up and down the ranks and files. Has a shape so narrow it often falls and needs to be replaced by a younger, thinner version. Smells like vodka and lettuce.
The Mime: Mimics the moves made by the other pieces – in a very annoying way. Warning: Do not tip this piece to get rid of it – you’ll only be encouraging it.
The Explorer: If left alone will end up in the strangest, most dangerous places – often teetering at the top of a bookshelf or in the freezer.
The Cyclist: Wears tight Lycra and records all of its laps around the board on Strava. Talks incessantly about elevation gains, carbon fiber, bonking, and segment times.
The Karin: Insists on being close to the king and complaining about the other pieces. Cannot be taken off the board without all manner of shouts and threats. Spends time in between moves writing nasty Google and Yelp reviews about the game.
The Pink Panther: Sneaks in and steals the other pieces. Is pursued by a funny French detective. Is neither pink nor a panther.
Funny French Detective: Bumbles around the board not really knowing what it is doing but ends up winning anyway.
Got any to add?