Irony is Everything
I believe, firmly and resolutely, and to a degree that makes it impossible for new evidence to convince me otherwise, that the universe and all things are made up of fundamental, intangible, generative waveform-forces I call ironies.
There are four sub-types of irony that are at the heart of all things:
1) The cruel irony
2) The subtle irony
3) The normal irony
4) The ‘is it irony?’ (i3) irony
These ironies combine with one another in every combination possible (although I cannot fully describe the process yet) and give rise to electro-magnetism, the strong atomic force, the weak atomic force and gravity, as well as the various strings and membranes which physicists today erroneously believe constitute the building blocks of all things.
The various intricate interactions between the fundamental ironies and the irony compounds which arise also go a long way towards explaining the absurdities of existence, the beauty of art, the strangeness of time, the complexities of the human mind and experience, as well as where missing socks and teaspoons go.
I know that scientists will one day detect ironies directly, but until then, I believe it is safe to say that they do exist and their various combinations give rise to all things – including you and everything you do.
Here’s how I support my belief:
- You can’t prove I’m wrong, therefore I must be right.
- If you think I am wrong, you are a closed-minded bigot.
- If my theory of ironies is wrong, I could be wrong about more things – including the fact that reality exists objectively. If this is true everything I hold true is wrong. Many people think the same way I do, thus they will also be wrong. The resulting existential insecurity will thus eventually end in mass suicide and chaos.
- Everything I see confirms my belief in the fundamental irony of reality.
- Scientists can’t decide if fundamental elements are teensy Lego-brick particles, waves, membranes or something else. They obviously don’t know what they are doing. Thus they are wrong. And I am right.
- Many scientists who study the fundamental nature of reality are crazy or nasty people. You cannot trust them. I am sane and nice. Therefore you can trust me.
- If you believe especially the ‘string’ theorists you end up with an untenable amount of dimensions and the notion that reality is actually made up of vibrating nothingness. This is clearly false.
- Most people would agree that my theory is closer to the truth that some weird ‘membrane’ or ‘wave’ or ‘string’ other such nonsense. What’s next, the ‘spiderweb’ theory? The ‘slinky’ theory? Absolute rot, I tell you.
- It just feels right in my gut.
- Only very intelligent people agree with me.
- My theory is new and cutting edge.
- I am desperate to make my mark on the world. I don’t know what I’ll do if people don’t believe me. If you want me to feel better, you’ll agree with me.
- If reality is to work properly, irony must indeed lie at the heart of all things. The physics of the universe are incontestable – thus irony does indeed lie at core of all matter.
- The ‘best’ scientific theories are exactly that: theories. They are made up thoughts and anyone can make up thoughts or have ‘theories’. Thus my theory is just as good. If not better.
- Either I am right or I am partially right. Either way, the theory must be at least somewhat correct.
- My theory explains more than any other.
- I have thought about this theory long and hard for many years, thus I deserve to be correct.
- My theory is just more organic and natural than the existing convoluted theories.
- I found an ancient book which claims to be the word of Cthulhu. In it, it is said that Cthulhu made first the ironies, and then the ironies made all things. This ancient and supernatural support provides the ultimate evidence that my theory is unassailable.
- All other theories are too complicated. Mine is simple. By the logic of Occam’s Razor, my theory about the ironies is true.
- SHUT UP! I’M RIGHT!!
That is all. Think about it.
Contact me via Twitter to notify me of my Nobel Prize for General Awesomeness.