The Good Employee Guide

Want to be a good worker drone?

Want to get that promotion to middle management?

Want to fly beneath the radar and avoid stirring up controversy?

Want a dull and uneventful working life?

Then this guide is for you!

Follow these easy steps and you too can be a model employee!

Prefer meetings to email. Raise as many points as you can at these meetings that could just as easily be sent in an email. This way, you will look and sound important.

Nod when you hear your boss misinterpreting the latest business guru.

Agree with everything your managers say. Even if they contradict each other. If they are in the same room and they ask you which viewpoint you prefer, say something non-committal and fade into the background.

Don’t think too hard about how efficiently things are done. Just do it the same way it has always been done.

Don’t volunteer to do anything extra if there is a chance that the initiative will fail. In fact, don’t volunteer for anything.

Only read books from the Sunday Times bestseller list.

Read a middle-of-the-road newspaper and make those opinions your own.

Trust authority.

Taking the initiative is for losers. Rather wait until you are told what to do.

Dress carefully and conservatively and do not be quirky in any way. Being too ‘out there’ makes you a target. And how you look matters more than anything else.

Get involved in bad-mouthing your co-workers. Better them than you.

Try to learn a dozen or so business buzz-words and use them as often as possible. ‘Synergy’, ‘Blue Sky Thinking’, ‘Disruptive Innovation’ and ‘Thought Leadership’ are some of my favorites.

For God’s sake, don’t think!

Feel genuinely inspired when you watch that YouTube clip you’ve seen a million times at staff training days.

Try to join the same club, gym or church as your boss.

Set five goals very carefully and reuse them at every appraisal. No-one remembers them from one year to the next anyway. Ensure that you use words like ‘relationship’, ‘inspired’, ‘innovation’, ‘growth’, ‘paradigm’ and ‘leverage’.

Speak in clichés. (‘Working hard or hardly working? Yuck yuck!”)

Become known for something perfectly innocuous, like remembering everyone’s birthday or baking lasagne for staff dos.

Don’t have any controversial opinions.

Don’t be the first to arrive or the last to leave.

Tell long, boring stories so that people learn to avoid you. In time, you will fade into the background.

It is not your job to inspire your coworkers. Beyond one or two ‘inspirational quotes’ in your workspace, let them inspire themselves.

Ensure that your workspace doesn’t stand out. A pot plant and a family photo are about all you need to personalize your space.

Generate lots and lots of paper.

Feel magnificently privileged when a middle manager puts his or her arm around your shoulders, pats you on the back or holds your arm when they speak to you. It’s a technique they learn on their ‘Leadership For Dummies’ course – make them feel like it works. Ditto when they ‘look you in the eyes’.


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